Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
