i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
