i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
