allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
