Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
