eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
