I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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