God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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