I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
