Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
