I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
