We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
