My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
