a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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