You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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