So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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