If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
