All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize