I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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