How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
