All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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