so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
