When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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