i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
