$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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