I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
