My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
