tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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