I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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