Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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