Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize