We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
