Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
