Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
