just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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