Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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