I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
