so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
