i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
