Don't make out with my wife yet
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
