i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
