Your dad touched me again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
