I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
