So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
