Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
