i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
