this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
