can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
