I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
it's like iHOP with fire
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
