dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
