maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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