She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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