Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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