I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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