People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
