I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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