i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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