Already got asked if we're dating
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
where does the pee come out of this thing
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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